Fear

There are a number of things I'm afraid of: an insect I can't even mention (regular pest control treatments are a necessity at our house), making a mistake, being misunderstood, not being accepted by people I care about, losing someone (or something) I love, losing control (an illusion in and of itself), or being injured emotionally. Serving an LDS mission  meant enduring almost constant torture. I remember being driven home from my mission (in Wisconsin, USA) by my parents, through Minnesota and North Dakota, anticipating the "release" to come. I was almost desperate to be allowed to not have to talk to everybody, not have to open myself up to being hurt almost every minute of every day.

Fear is not only debilitating, but destructive. I've been specifically warned against it (actually commanded, personally, to fear not.) I do though. Such a daily, almost hourly, sinner. It's pretty pitiful. I felt prompted to blog about fear today. Maybe it is important to let fears into the light. They love the dark. In Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, the dangerous "autumn people" were drawn by fears and fed on them. The only way to banish the evil was to not take it seriously, to laugh at it, and to love.

I am learning to Dare to Love in parenting and in other aspects of my life, rather than act (or rather react) in fear. Letting go of fear sets me free to love. "Love conquers all" is not the cliche I used to think it was, not when we're talking about the love of God. Aye, but "letting go", there's the rub. It's so hard. Fear is a tool of the devil. I should be able to drop it like a hot coal. But, no, I hold onto it, subconsciously thinking I know, better than God, how to live my life.

I taught at the Missionary Training Center for about year and a half while I was finishing up my studies at BYU. I remember doing a personal attribute assessment or gospel study alongside the missionaries in class one morning and coming to the realization that if I want the same sort of incredible blessings I enjoyed on a full-time mission, I need to be willing to go through the same kinds of agony. I will have to face my fears. I will have to be uncomfortable. I will have to choose the difficult way, as did Adam and Eve, in order to gain the greatest blessings. 

Our decision to choose full inclusion for my son with Down syndrome has put me face-to-face with my fears in a way that reminds me of when I served a mission or when I chose to marry my husband. I am encouraged, of course, by a very clear feeling of spiritual direction, and by things I've heard and read lately that corroborate our decision. Still, I am plagued by doubts. Arg! I hate feeling like I'm swimming upstream against the current. But, as I do, I can choose whether to carry the weight of my fears or let them go--turn them over to the Lord--and be buoyed up His love that is the antithesis of fear.